"Season's Beatings-Live From Downtown"
by Prime Example

INTRO MUSIC: Christmas instrumental; suggest "Joy To The World" (or skit open music, Cut #6 on Soundtrack CD)
(Song fades under as our reporter walks onto the scene. He is carrying a microphone. He stands and waits, looking at the "camera" which is the audience, as the intro to his live broadcast is heard.) 

ANNOUNCER #1: (Cut #6 on the CD, continued) WWWW TV News is brought to you by the Wishy Washy Windshield Wiper Company. They're fairly certain they'll work well in wet weather. Now, here's Will Watson. 

ANNOUNCER #2: (Cut #6 continued) "It's just two more days till Christmas and the streets are packed as the shoppers rush home with their treasures. Reporter Wally W. Wigwhacker is wight in the middle of the wush... I always do that! Right in the middle of the rush and we go there live to sample the holiday spirit on the street." 

WALLY: (smiling) "Thanks, Will. People are indeed passing with huge packages as they scramble to find that last present. The Christmas mood is bright, however, as we meet smile after smile. (He stops a passing pedestrian.) Excuse me sir! Wally W. Wigwhacker of WWWW News. Would you mind sharing your Christmas joy with us?

The Train Man: "Huh?"
Wally: "Would you mind sharing your Christmas joy with..."
The Train Man: "Huh?"
Wally: "I said, would you mind sharing..."
The Train Man: "Huh?"
Wally: (Irritated now) "Would you mind..."
The Train Man: "Huh?"
Wally: "Sir..."
The Train Man: "Huh?"
(Wally just looks at him.)
The Train Man: "Huh? Huh? Huh?   Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! ... 

WooooWooo!!!!


Wally: "Will, it seems we just had an encounter with one of our city's more colorful characters. But, what's Christmas without a fruitcake? (Another person has come onstage. It is the Old Lady.) Here comes a promising person. Excuse me, Wally W. Wigwhacker of WWWW News. Would you mind sharing your Christmas joy with our viewing audience?" 


Old Lady: "You want me to have joy? Then gimme some money, mister! I'm trying to live on my sorry social security and my sorry late husband's sorry pension from that sorry job he worked at for 30 sorry years. You know what he did for 30 years, mister TV man?"

(Wally shakes his head.)

Old Lady: "He stood around making faces all day."

Wally: "Really?"
Old Lady: "Yeah, he worked in a clock factory! Now here it is Christmas, I've got 23 greedy grandkids who all want money, and I'm flat busted. In fact, here's all I could buy myself this Christmas. 

(Takes out an oversized bone from her shopping bag.) 

Here's my Christmas dinner! Now you want me to talk about joy? Get real, sonny!" 

(She conks him on the skull with the bone and stalks off.) 

Wally: (Rubbing his head) 
"Well, it was nice of her to share her dinner with me. It seems that finding the Christmas spirit may be a little harder than I thought. But, we won't give up! Let's see if we can't snag someone overflowing with the merry mood of Christmas. 

Sir? Would you tell us what makes Christmas such a joy-filled time for you?"

Stressed Man: (Further irritated by the interruption.) 

"Joy? Where? I don't have time for joy, you idiot! (His ranting escalates.) What does Christmas have to do with joy? Don't you get it? I've got brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and cousins and in-laws and outlaws at my house right now! They all need gifts! They all need food! They all need a bath! The plumbing at the house broke! And I'm trying to get all the stuff I need! But I can't find any of the stuff! The stores are out of stuff! And my therapist is out of his office! And the shoppers are out of control! (screaming) And I'm just about out of my mind!!! (suddenly goes completely calm) I gotta remember the Cheese Whiz..." (walks off preoccupied.)


Wally: (rapidly losing his cheer) "Christmas joy. It seems to be a rare commodity here in the big city. But everywhere are blinking lights, a light snow is falling, and the sound of carols being sung is in the air. Surely someone is feeling happy today! In fact, here comes a jolly fellow now. 

(A disheveled man wearing a Santa hat staggers onto the stage.) 

Let's see if he has the spirit of the season!"

Tipsy Man: (singing in a slurred voice) 

"Jack Frosht roashting on an open fire...
chestnutsh nipping at your nose... (to Wally) 
Yeah... (holds up bottle) 

I've got the spirits of Christmas right here. 

And they help me through this stupid time of the year 'cause nobody wants anything to do with a smelly, stinky, sloshed, slummy dummy like me. You know how long it's been since somebody gave me a present? It's been... (counts on his fingers) ...never! That's right, never. Makes me sick. And I'm sick! Look at this coated tongue..." 

(sticks out tongue in Wally face.)

Wally: (repulsed) "Yeah, it's got fur on it."


Tipsy Man: "Been sick for...(counts on his fingers again) ...longer than I can remember. I only have a sliver of liver left! I've got so many ulcers my stomach looks like swiss cheese and that gives me chronic haaaalitoshish...(breathing on Wally each time he tries to say it, Wally leaning back and grimacing) haaaalishofish... haaaali... bad breath."

Wally: "No kidding."

Tipsy Man: "And when I'm sick, I drink. And when I drink, it makes me sicker. And when I get sicker, I get drunker. And when I get drunker it makes me sicker. Know what I mean, buddy?"

Wally: (looking ill) "Yeah... I'm kinda feeling sick myself."

Tipsy Man: "Looks like you could use somma this. Here, have a swig! 

(clumsily spills his whiskey all over Wally's coat) 
Oops, shorry! Let me clean it off. 

(rubs it in as Wally shies away.) 

Excuse me...I'm feeling sick... (drinks from bottle) 

That's better. Uh, oh... I'm sick... (hold his stomach, starting to become even unsteadier, he begins to lean on Wally) 

I'm really sick... I mean I'm really sick... " (with the sounds of loud heaving)

Wally: (wryly) "There's nothing that can keep his Christmas spirits down. (with a discouraged demeanor) 

It seems this city needs a visit from the Spirit of Christmas Past. Because the Christmas Present seems to have been shoplifted. Let's try just one more time. 

(The Indignant Man has come onto the stage with a swagger and his nose held high, using his umbrella as a cane.) 

Excuse me sir! Please tell us how celebrating Christmas... 

brings you... (says almost fearfully) ...joy?"

Indignant Man: (haughtily) "How dare you approach me with the idea of celebrating Christmas! That pagan, commercialized excuse for running up credit card bills, worshipping at the false altar of SANTA CLAUS and getting drunk! (sniffs Wally) Hah! Smells like you've had a few swigs yourself! The materialism, the greed, the mad rush for WHAT?! I tell you, it's EEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLL! (he leans over Wally as he says this, and Wally leans back fearfully) PURE EEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLL! (they do it again) Look at me! I don't participate in this heathen rite and I HAVE THE (punctuates each word by hitting Wally with his umbrella) TRUE... JOY... OF THE... LORD!!! HO, HO, HO!!! (stalks off)
(Wally is beaten down to the ground and huddles there, sobbing. The Christian has come upon Wally and stoops to help him.)

The Christian: (concerned) "Is everything okay there, fella?"

Wally: (through his sobs and lifting his microphone up to the Christian) "Sir...would you care to share you Christmas joy with our viewing audience?"

Christian: ""Well, sure. But let's see what we can do for you first. Looks like you need attention a lot more than I do. (helps Wally to his feet) Now, what seems to be the difficulty?"

("The Entertainer,")

Christian: 

"Whoa, settle down there, fella! Catch your breath. Sounds like you've just about lost your holiday cheer, my friend."

Wally: "I don't know why people celebrate Christmas if it's such a headache!"

Christian: "That's because they've forgotten what it's all about. (Begin Cut #8, "Silent Night," here) The angel said, 'Behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be unto all people. For unto you is born this day, in the city of David, a savior, which is Christ the Lord.' The true joy of the season only belongs to those who know Him. Otherwise it's an exercise in futility!"

Wally: (starting to brighten up again) "You're right. In all the rush, I tend to forget that sometimes."

Christian: "So do a lot of people. That's why this time of year is also the most depressing to some. They're basing their happiness on things that soon pass away and it always leaves them feeling empty."

Wally: "I think I understand. They celebrate the coming of Christ into the world but don't invite Him into their own heart." 

Christian: "You've got it! (thoughtfully) You know, you're not far from the kingdom of God. Why don't we go discuss it over a cup of hot chocolate... my treat."

Wally: (nodding, he smiles and turns to the camera) "There you have it. Finding the holiday spirit may be difficult to do in all this hustle and bustle... but maybe... just maybe we've been looking in the wrong place. 

(music begins playing under this part;) 

Perhaps the key to our holiday hopes lies not in a gift from Macy's, but in the gift God sent to all of us, wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. 

This is Wally W. Wigwhacker, reporting live from downtown. Now back to the studios of WWWW TV." 


(End music swells up and out and they walk off together, talking.)
The End